I am married for 11 years and not having a good marriage ever. We had been fighting in small matters every day and my husband hardly bothers about me. He has his fixed friends and lifestyle and busy with that. I have a six years old daughter who now feels very lonely and understands all fights. Sometimes I had to face domestic violence and my daughter too cries a lot. She keeps saying she is alone and she wants a brother/ sister. My mother insists to have another baby so that my daughter can have a company. But, as I am having a bad marriage and no in-laws support, I am not convinced. I am 37 years old now and very confused about what to do?
Let me start with a sorry for what you have been going through. But, do you know, this is one among the most common problems behind unhappy marriages that I deal with on regular basis. I call it – “Faded Relationship.”
My dear friend, having another baby is not a solution. At this point, fixing this unhappy marriage should be your first priority. I don’t see any reason for welcoming another child to an already disturbed family.
So, what can be done?
You have two solutions – divorce or rebuilding your relationship. Divorce seems an easy solution. But, it is not that easy. On the other hand, rebuilding your relationship seems a tough choice, but in reality, it is not that tougher, either.
I am not in favors of divorces, especially when things are not as bad as they seem to be. Before rebuilding your relationship, you need to form a strategy. I would like to divide this action plan into three parts –
- Rebuilding your image
- Eliminating all negatives
Communication is the first thing, a lot of marriage counselor will suggest. Every second advice will be about having a word with your spouse. In some cases, there may be suggestions for involving (in-law) families, as well. However, I think – involving families is the worst possible thing you can do to make this situation even worse.
This is true that you two need to talk. But, the most important thing is – what kind of discussion it should be?
Before you have a discussion, you must keep in mind that your partner is not in the mood of having a logical reasoning test, blame-game, or ping-pong of questions. Precisely, he is not ready for any negatives.
Should you want to improve things, you must not talk about anything negative. To make him listen to you, you need to focus on positive things i.e. you must talk about what was good in your relationship and how you (or both) can have it back.
Rebuild your image
I talked about the faded relationship in the beginning. Well, you need to find out the reasons responsible for it. If your husband is ignoring you, then you need to explore the reasons. You need to find out, why is he not enjoying your company?
Just think of your initial marriage years. I hope, those were the happiest years of your married life. But, what went wrong? Are you sure, you are not missing anything? Are you offering the same amount of love, sex, intimacy, and care that you used to give in those initial years?
I know, after baby, there is a shift in priorities, especially, in the case of mothers. However, the show must go on.
I would like to cite an example of a neighbor living next door. She is a housewife, having three kids (all adults now) and in her early fifties. This family is living in the neighborhood since 1990 and I have never seen her without her regular makeup (nicely combed hair, bindi, lipstick, sindoor, and latest fashion suits). We used to call her, “mutton dressed as lamb.” But, now I know, this is one among other secrets behind their happy marriage.
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I am stating this example because I believe, you are missing that spark. If your husband is not enjoying your company, then it is a clear sign that you need to rebuild your image. To make it happen, you need to have a few psychological changes. You need to mark your presence without getting noticed. From a soul full of complaints and sadness, transform yourself into a happy personality. Avoid illogical arguments. Stop being too demanding. Instead of begging for his attention, rebuild yourself and make him beg for your presence.
Eliminating all negatives
Be it a discussion or a normal talk, always focus on positive things. Stop behaving like a spy. Never talk about negatives of your marriage. Always remember that shit happens and things go wrong, but this doesn’t mean that you made a wrong choice. It is just a matter of time. The most important thing is – “people change because we force them to change.” Now, it is up to you, in which direction you want them to change.
If you really want to make your marriage work, stop murdering it. Do not hope that things will automatically change for you. I know, this is not going to be easy for you. The challenge is – you may have to walk all alone. And, the success depends upon your commitment, hard work, and patience.
In short, before having another baby, please prepare suitable family conditions and a positive environment.