In love and depressed

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Hi expert,

I am a working mother of three yr old child. We both husband and wife are IT, professionals.

Since we married we have a compatibility issue, and some of the issue due to in-laws. After kid born, we try to adjust with each other. We were never gone any vacations. Physical intimacy is not great, could be counted in single digit. We are married for seven years.

Recently in an official visit to another country, I met someone. We became friends, one thing leads to other and we ended up having physically intimate. Love blossomed in my heart, and when my visit about to over he also reciprocated his feelings.

During my stay with him, I came to know he is married. Now we are in contact over the phone. He wants to marry me, but he won’t leave the first wife. He is from a community where polygamy is allowed.

I want to move with him, but I don’t want to be the second wife. He left the decision on me, whether I want to marry him or we will continue like this, talking over the phone and meeting some times. Marrying him is a tough decision for me. I have a kid, though he is ok to accept my kid. If I don’t marry, I will always be the other woman, which is so painful to think.

Please guide me.

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Kiran (anonymous) 0 Comments

Dear Sukhdeep,
Thank you for your valuable suggestions. They meant a lot. Let me add few things, which will clarify my situation more.
That second man is originally from Pakistan, settled in UK.
I met him while in London for official visit. During my stay we talked a lot about every kind of stuff. He has a wife at home country who is close relative. We consider those kind of relatives as cousins. He and his wife does not have good bonding.
He wants me to go to UK, so that we could meet. I also want to go, because I want settle in a developed country. Before my London visit, I was considering to move to Canada. But right now my mind is over occupied with UK, you know why.
Currently me and my husband stay as two roommates. My son is the catalyst for whom we stay together. My husband thinks, I have a job, a son, what more I need. I failed to tell him, because I am being branded as slut. It’s been 4 yrs we don’t have any Intimacy. Now my mind is occupied by that second man. We talk, WhatsApp. I survive by those chats and talks. I know it is childish. I am 31 yrs old and I have some necessity, physical, emotional.
What I am trying to say if this second man won’t be there, then there would be someone else. So even if I am aware of the consequences, I am getting dragged into the situation.
Hope you understand without being judgemental
Kiran

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Dear Kiran,

Let me start by saying that, in this case, second marriage means troubles. Here are the troubles that you will be dealing with –

  • Legal Troubles
  • Moral and Social Troubles
  • Emotional Troubles

Legal Trouble

As you said, you are already married and having a kid and your husband is still alive.

In this case, as per the Hindu Marriage Act, 1955 (HMA), you cannot legally get married without having a divorce. According to Section 11 of the Hindu Marriage Act, second marriages came to be declared null and void ab initio.

Second marriage, during the subsistence of the first marriage, is illegal in India and the relationship arising from the same does not have any validity. The section will not apply if the husband or wife of the first marriage is dead or if the first marriage she has been dissolved by a decree of divorce.

There are some cases, where people change their religion for the second marriage. However, according to honorable Supreme Court and High Courts judgments, if conversion to Islam is for specifically facilitating second marriage, then such marriage will also be held void.

You will be losing all rights over property and assets, as well.

Therefore, without having a divorce, you cannot legally marry that man.

Moral & Social Trouble

Secondly, you better know how second wives are treated in India. Are you ready for that moral and social trouble?

Will you be able to convince your parents or you planning to leave them, as well? How your parents are going to react over this decision of yours?

To an extent, this decision of yours is going to affect your family, your in-laws family, and (maybe) your siblings’ in-laws (if you have or if you going to have). Are you ready to pay the price?

You are saying that he is okay with your son. Let me ask, do you think, your husband will let go of his son? And, do you think, your son will accept your decision? Do you think, you can make him understand your decision? Is he going to accept it? Aren’t you inviting moral and social troubles for him, as well? Aren’t you making your son pay for your likings and disliking?

Emotional Trouble

Second marriage means emotional trouble. You will always remain the second wife and as you said, you are not ready for that. Then, why you even want to talk about this? I respect your self-esteem. But, with this decision of yours, you are going to risk it.

Suggestion

Dear Kiran,

This relationship (with the second man) of yours is nothing, but an incidence of infatuation. You were sick of your current relationship and that too because things are not going the way you want, you crossed your limits.  As an expert I can tell, this is nothing but a state of mind.

I don’t know how bad your relationship (with husband) is going on. However, should you really want to move ahead, then make this move legal. And, be prepared for a social, emotional, and moral battle.

I had counseled around 10 similar cases, where husband and wife were not happy over small things (sexual relationship, in-law interference, mindset issues, financial issues, infidelity, and others). By experience, I can say, 8 out of 10 are now doing good. Although they are slow on the suggestions, yet they are improving day by day. It is all about mindset.

I am not saying that marriage is a compromise, but for relationships, sometimes, you have to give up a few things.

Should you need any more help, please talk to me.

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