I am 29.
I met this girl through a matrimony site. She is the first girl I met. She is very intelligent, thought out gold medalist, graduated from the most elite university in India, earns twice as I do. By looking at the profile only I was very influenced. When I met her for the first time everything seems to be perfect and flawless we have soo many things in common, similar lifestyle, mindset and life goals. My sister and my sister’s husband was also there in the first meeting. My sister and her husband were fine with her. The problem started when I showed my interest in her to my family. My family was not very convinced only because of her looks and dark skin. I simply ignored them at first because I wanted to know more about the girl and not willing to let go of her. We started talking to each other for hours and hours every day, I remember one night we talked about 16 17 hours continuously. Its been two weeks of talking. I decided to meet her one more time before I convince my family to meet her. On the second meeting, I do not find her that physically attractive. I know that physical beauty fades and the character and the personality remains. So I simply ignored that part and focused on the positives. I was pretty sure that we will make a good future. She is educated, learned, understanding, caring, and most of the things that one desires in a partner, except the looks.
Finally, after 2 months of convincing my family to meet her, they agreed. We all lived in different cities. Before the meeting, she was very anxious because she kind of knows what she is lacking. We both had developed deep feelings for each other. We talked so much on this. I tried to comfort her from whatever ways possible. We talked about what she could wear that day, what my family likes and dislikes and so many things. Before that day she texted me that she has strted loving me and will not able to get soo close or attached to anyone now. I also felt the same way for her as well. She was afraid of what will happen that day. We both are from a joint family and we both believed that families have to agree for this marriage. My whole family and her whole family came to see each other. There were around 35 people for that meeting, it lasted for over 2 hours. After the meeting, not a single person from my family said YES, everyone one in one sound said that NO. Only because of her looks and skin colour, I knew its so wrong. For 2 continuously days we had these arguments on why I should not go for her. Their arguments are that I am soo educated (I work in a globally top MNC and earns much more than avg) and good looking that can get any beautiful girl that I want why I want to go for her. They say that you will regret marrying her coz of her looks, your children will be dark as well. I realized that my family only wanted a traditional Gori and Sundar bahu. I have high regards for my family and I would never thought that i would have to do something against my family’s will. I finally went for what i thought was right. I also had a feeling that I cannot say no to her now because of the attachment we have developed and I do not want to break her heart.
Major problem started after that. My families arguments kept resonating in my subconscious mind. I never thought that will happen. The next time i met her was like kinda of not good feeling as i got before, every sentence of my family kept running in my back ground. I didn’t find her attractive. After some days it started growing more. Now evey time i see some beautiful and fair girl.I inconspicuously started getting attracted to them or start comparing them with her. The thought i have every time i see her has now turned in to my judgement of why i am with her even my family has not approved of. (is it mostly because i donot want to break her heart or was it because i been very selfish )This all was happening before we were getting engaged. I believed that these thoughts will vanish once we are engaged. But it did not!!!!
The day before engagement i was very nervous, sad and disturbed because of these thoughts. It was too late to say no then. and i believed that things will change and I will start liking her the way i used in previous days. But it only went downhill from there. Now every time i see her I have the sense of immense GUILT and REGRET. Even she has started noticing it now.
I worked on the possibilities that might happen if i break up with her now. I think will not be able to cope up with any other girl because of the petty reason i will apart from her.I will lost all my respect from my family. She will be completely devastated
I have mostly been indecisive in my life. May be because of my weak personality or something that is lacking in me may i am not mature enough may be i am being unrealistic about my partner, maybe i donot know what i want from my life. I donot like her now as i used to. It may be beacuse of my family? or may be a beautiful girl is all that i wanted? i donot know… i am not sure whether i should marry her with these feelings? or after marriage things will work in a better way? or should i tell her what i am feeling? The engagement was on JAN, from there i have isolated my self socially i am not able to concentrate on my work, i am not able to sleep. I i am eating anything and everything gained 9 kg in last one and a half months. from last two one week i am only crying all night. I have met a marriage Councillor 2 days back, they only told me what i already know that beauty fades away character stays away and all that. But it didn’t helped me get rid of my thoughts, my guilt and regret. I think i have ruined my life and her life.
I need help pls tell me what should i do.
Marriage is 2 months from now
I have been to your complete scenario. And, trust me, it is a matter of “mindset.” By your statement, I can tell –
- You are an emotionally unstable person.
- You are an indecisive personality.
Life is very hard for an emotionally unstable and indecisive person. And, as we know, a man is not a man if he cannot keep his words. Please be advised, I am not buying any guilt trip for you, but showing you the best way possible.
Yes, you are right that facial beauty fades. However, this quote only works when your mind is clear. Currently, you are struggling with a dubious mindset.
At one side, you say you love that girl and you don’t want to hurt her feeling with your rejection. On the other side, you say, you are no more attracted towards her. Can you see the double state of your mind? We only hurt people we love and love means attachment. Hence, one of your statement is not right.
You are trying to cover your weakness with two different masks. And, the best part is – you are using your family members as a shield. As you said, your family was not convinced at the first stage. Then, what made you overlook their opinion at that time? It was because you were interested and the only reason behind your interest was – you were alone and was having no option to compare.
You took it further. Being an emotionally unstable person you swayed for her. You made her step forward and you made her believe that you are not going to step back.
Suddenly, after two or three meetings, family members’ opinions started making sense to you. Isn’t funny? You smartly labeled your “change of interest” with “your family members’ statements changing your mind.”
My dear friend, you need to work on your personality’s shortcomings that I just mentioned above. Otherwise, you won’t be able to respect any relationship. It is your life and you have to be on the driver seat. Should anyone else driving your car, you are never going to reach your destination. I must say, please work on yourself.
It’s your life and you should be the one deciding things for yourself. You are talking about getting married and you are not mentally prepared. Marriage is a big decision and if you are mentally not prepared, it is better to skip. With mental blocks, you are not going to spoil yours but your partner’s life, as well. With doubts in mind, you won’t be able to give your hundred percent.
It is a good thing that you don’t want to hurt anyone (family and that girl). This means you are a good-hearted person. However, there is no point about marrying someone you already don’t like. People say things change after marriage. It is true. However, no one knows, in which direction things are going to change.
If you are not ready, it is better to not to proceed. You can either ask for some time or you can reject. What is the fun in marrying and then repenting? That way, you are going to hurt everyone.
Therefore, first of all, please make your mind and work on your thought process. Work on your emotional intelligence and learn to take your own decision. After marriage, ask your parents to take back-seat of the family car. You should be on the driver seat and your wife should be on the co-passenger seat.
Grow up, my friend. Be a man and do the right thing.