I’m from Hyderabad, India. I became a sandwich between my husband and father. My husband doesn’t like my father’s behavior on few aspects. I have conveyed the same to my father but I love my parents alot. I have a very strong emotional bond with them. But my husband intensionally torchuring by using abusive words about my dad. Everyday, for every small issue, he abuses him and use foul language. He knows that I don’t like it but many times I have tolerated, tried to convince him from all possible ways. He is giving me such a stress and we had big argument. My 10 year old daughter understood my situation and said how you are tolerating mom? Today I felt like hurting myself because of stress but my daughter made me to rethink. I’m in deep stressful situation. It is actually very small thing but my husband making it huge. Our relationship is getting affected. Coming to my father, he is not as educated as us but he not such bad person. He loves him and treats him as son. Lot of cultural difference are there between them. Please let me know how to handle the situation.
Before suggesting anything, let me tell you, this is a clear case of “insecurities and interference.”
Who abuses anyone for no reason? There must be a reason. And, most of the time, in a married relationship, it is interference.
I am not advocating an abusive personality. However, my question is, why is he abusive? There must be a reason. You need a topic/reason/cause to retaliate. Should you have no topic to argue about, then who wants to disturb one’s mental peace?
We tend to lose our cool when we are forced to deal with something we don’t like.
Take an example. If Mr. B doesn’t like Mr. A for any reason, and Mr. A is still poking his nose at Mr. B’s matters, then what do you expect from Mr. B?
It is Not Your Husband, But Your Father
Now, as you said, “your husband dislikes your father’s behavior in a few aspects,” and despite telling your father, he is repeating. In such a case, I think, it is your father who needs correction and not your husband. Your father needs to understand that his behavior is not only disturbing your husband but your married relationship, as well. If there is something really wrong that your father is really worried about, then he can talk to your husband. However, if your father is over-concerned about your (marital) petty issues, then he must learn to stay out of these.
It is You; Not Your Husband And Father
To an extent, you are also responsible. From your talk, I can say, like many others, you are also sharing a strong relationship with your parents, especially with your dad. There is nothing wrong with it. However, when you are discussing every small to big thing with your parents for no reason, then you are not only destroying your husband’s peace of mind but your parents’, as well. Furthermore, instead of stopping or guiding you in the right direction, they must be interfering in your relationship.
In your case, I can sense “insecurities.” Your husband is insecure because he thinks you are receiving instructions from your parents or they are trying to mold your husband for no reason.
You are becoming a sandwich because you are trying to please both parties, at the same time. That is not going to happen. Please do understand, you cannot make everyone happy at the same time.
In your case, it is insecurity about relationships.
Your father is repeating his behavior (interfering/suggesting) because he is insecure about your married life.
The only reason behind these insecurities is – “wrong priorities.”
You need to understand that changing someone’s mindset is the toughest thing to do. As you said, there is a huge cultural difference. These cultural differences are the hardest thing to modify.
I think you must be sharing every little thing with your parents. If not, then your parents must be forcing your husband to follow their directions/expectations. This is resulting in interference. To them, they are helping you, but in reality, they are making things worse. I am not asking you to undervalue the importance of your parents. However, you need to design your priorities.
I wouldn’t suggest having a talk with your husband and family. I believe you already know the reasons. Stop touching anyone’s (father or husband) pain points. Make your father understand your husband’s mindset. When you know something is bothering your husband or father, then you need to handle things more maturely.
Hope you know, this is fading your relationship. At one point – it is affecting your married relationship and at the other point, it is affecting your parents’ relationship with your husband.
Hence, act more maturely