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Jealousy – A self-created drama of hating someone

Jealousy – A self-created drama of hating someone
Jealousy – A self-created drama of hating someone
Photo Credit: www.pixabay.com

Sukhdeep Singh

Write Something To Right Something

Passionate about playing with words. Sukhdeep is a Post Graduate in Finance. Besides penning down ideas, he is an expert online marketing consultant and a speaker.

Jealousy affects our thoughts, feelings and behavior like a virus without you noticing.

Jealousy in a relationship is a common phenomenon and only a few are a master at dealing with this hard-core emotion of ours. When we talk about our personal relationship, a bad experience with your (ex) partner when mixes up with jealousy; coping up becomes extremely difficult.

Most of the people start checking their partner’s phone, email or internet history, as and when they get any chance. But, can you confirm it as a right way to tackle jealousy?

Frankly speaking, jealous leads to a lot of relationship problems and in worst cases, it becomes a reason behind the breakup of a relationship. No doubt, dealing with jealousy require some persistence, but eventually you pluck the fruits of it.

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Should you need a recovery, you need to understand the basis of it. It is a feeling that you have and only you can get yourself out of it. The only thing that you should be expecting from your partner is – help; perhaps your partner can help you.

1. Understanding Jealous Feelings

Do you know why you feel jealous about the smallest things? Frankly, it is because of a person’s (social) uncertainty or low self-esteem. The fear of losing someone makes you a person who want confirmations of your partner. This strong need of confirmations ensures that you are experiencing feelings of jealousy.

Should you not receive confirmation of your partner, you then start feeling anxious and insecure (fear of losing your partner). And, this will push you towards the deep gorge of low self-esteem, anger, and resentment.

The fear of losing your partner will make you blind (emotionally) and you will start behaving like a nerd. To understand the feeling of jealousy is very important because this is probably one of the most effective ways to tackle jealousy.

2. Listen to Your Partner

Learn to trust on things. If your partner tells you that he is late for dinner because of work, trust him. This is naturally easier said than done, but try this for a while. In the beginning, you might find it hard to trust your partner, but after a while, you notice that you are really more confident about your partner and your jealousy fades.

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Let us take it the other way around. What happens if you do not trust your partner? You will be checking every small thing that your partner tells you so that you can reassure yourself if everything is right – for a while.

Because every time your partner is going out or someone is visiting your place to go somewhere, you will be feeling a strong urge to calm the jealous ‘wolf’ in you. And, should this jealous ‘wolf’ not happy with the claims offered, it will behave in a rather hungrier way (your jealousy will get worse).

Your insecurities will compel you to scan every single word that came out of your spouse’s mouth. You will start feeding this ‘jealous’ wolf in you and this jealous ‘wolf’ gonna stay there for the lifetime because you have fed him.

Finally, you will be so fed up of your anxieties that you will be praying for this ‘jealousy’ wolf’s brutal demise. My dear friend, trust your partner. Ask your partner to at least inform you about the possible reasons that could have your partner to be late.

Having those possible reasons with you, you then need to write your jealous idea (s) and make a big circle and give each written / said the reason for which you feel jealous. You will see what happened to your jealous thoughts.

As a partner of ‘jealous’ wolf, you can also help your partner? How about telling your partner your schedule in advance and keep your partner informed about the changes in the grid.

This is not particularly a very detailed agenda, but rather a global, so the jealous partner knows the most important things. In my suggestions, let your partner check your phone / e-mail is not a solution because this way you are actually feeding the ‘jealous’ wolf of your partner.

Dealing with jealousy cannot do alone and it is best to discuss with your partner how he can help you with your jealousy.

3. Communication

Clear communication in relationships is very important. Dealing with jealousy becomes easier if a clear communication exists. When you feel jealous wolf is hungry again, talk about it with your partner before letting negative thoughts usurp you.

By being clear about your thoughts and feelings it is easy to boss your jealousy because your partner understands what your concerns are and how you can support. If you are carrying some bad past experiences with you, do not be afraid to talk about those.

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By knowing where your trust problems come from, you as a couple can come closer. As a partner (of jealous partner) you need to play a vital role. Many of us think that it is easier to remain silent about the lunch they had with a colleague because it makes their partner jealous/upset.

But, just imagine; the thing you are hiding from your partner are already in his/her notice? In such scenarios, a small slip ultimately creates more jealousy and suspicion than if you’re just honest.

Your jealous spouse will only be helped if they trust you. By lying about where you are (in order not to unnecessarily hurt her), you are offering her a chance to not to trust you. The fact that your partner tends to feel jealous when you’re with someone else without telling him/her.

4. Put Yourself in Your Partner’s Shoes.

Trust is very important in a relationship and without trust dealing with jealousy is nearly impossible. If you do not trust your partner, you are actually saying that we have no foundation for our relationship.

I am sure that this statement does not reassure your partner and it can even cause a lot of stress because this way you are compelling your partner to prove his/her love for you repeatedly. It becomes very much annoying to explain why you are running too late after every five minutes, or why you are at shopping without informing her.

Imagine that you are looking through the eyes of your partner to your own behavior. Close your eyes briefly for this exercise. Now concentrate on the things that make your partner happy. This is not about comparing yourself to a competitor of yours, but focus only on what your partner likes you. Write all those things.

If you are unsure about anything, still write it. If it is difficult, you can ask your partner to help you. Now, every time you feel jealous, read what you’ve written. Remember, without the confidence to deal with jealousy a utopia.

5. Do not Play Games

As mentioned earlier, jealous people often suffer from insecurity, rage / anger, and resentment. This combination of feelings and successfully cope with envy do not go together.

These feelings can cause you to want to take revenge on your partner because you want the other person feels as rotten as you. To achieve this, you will do ‘mystery’: do not say where you are, once you put away your phone as you enter partner, lots of talk about a colleague or classmate and so on.

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Dealing with jealousy, unfortunately, does not work this way. Although it doing very well in the short-term, it will just end up giving a bad feeling. Your partner may itself be jealous and perhaps really take revenge on you. Or you may have been wrong from the start, making it unnecessarily punishing your partner.

For those who really want to take revenge, and so want to cheat: in the end, you’re just as bad as (or worse than) your partner (especially if you are not cheating on her partner).

On top of another, that you lose your dignity, and your ammunition: you can not use it against your partner in arguments and the like.

How can your partner help you? If you feel that your partner is playing games with you, talk about it with your partner. Your partner just wants to experience what he experiences himself. And he wants to make them feel good to see you suffer.

If you ignore this game can only be worse. By talking about it can you find out what behavior will make your partner jealous and want to get back. Be transparent and honest with each other. Dealing with jealousy is easier if you are fair and transparent.

6. Do not Compare Yourself with Others

Dealing with jealousy is tricky when you compare yourself with others. Normally jealous people have low self-esteem and they are almost always better throughout their rivals. Why?

Because people with low self-esteem think they are unattractive and unworthy (etc.) and they are looking for evidence of these feelings (while ignoring evidence that contradicts their assumptions).

MR. A, for example, thinks he’s unattractive, less funny and less intelligent than his best friend MR. B, and therefore he is jealous of Mr. B. However, it’s not about the individual characteristics of a person, but to the total package. You need to understand that you are unique and you are the person whom your partner has chosen. Dealing with jealousy begins with self-esteem.

7. Imagination

Imagination is an amazing phenomenon, and we can have fun by suggesting us things. But, people who are jealous often have a lot of trouble just because of their imagination.

You imagine that your partner is hiding something or you need to hide his phone as he quickly tucked it away. Jealous people are amazing at imagining things.

All they need to know that you are with someone and they will wind themselves immensely in the thoughts of what you all could be doing without his/her knowledge.

Fortunately, there is nothing wrong with imagination, but people who are envious often tend to believe what they imagine themselves and often ignore the facts.

In addition, their imagination has a great influence on their feelings. It is difficult to be reasonable if you’re very upset and this makes dealing with jealousy more difficult.

The best that jealous people can do is use adhere to the facts and their imagination just for fun. We can reduce the impact of imagination with a simple trick.

Every time you find yourself imagining something terrible – now that I am dreaming the same thing that makes me upset. I seriously need to take myself away from my own imaginations.

How can you help your jealous partner? Whenever your partner is imagining something and you confront them, then keep to the facts. Your partner is probably pretty upset, so it might be wise to wait until your partner is calmer.

But, you can also ask your partner to share his imagination in detail with you. Keep this neutral posture and expression (do not laugh or roll your eyes) and ask your partner at the end how realistic this fantasy could be in reality.

By this, your partner will also notice that that the imaginations are little far-fetched. Dealing with jealousy is a bit tricky if you’re very emotional. Therefore, it is good to wait until you have both calmed down.

8. Limiting your Partner does not Work

Jealous people find it comforting to limit their partner in their freedom. Dealing with jealousy works best if you have control over the ideas. It ensures that you can control your partner. Although you may not dare to admit, it’s true.

It gives you a good feeling that your partner is not in contact with A or B. But, do you think it really works? Do you think it ensures that you are more confident about your partner? No, just the opposite. Why?

I will be illustrated this with an example. The first time you did something exciting like bungee jump, drive or sex, it was great; the adrenaline was rushing throughout your body. But, can you confirm that you had the same feeling next time as well?

Wasn’t it a lot less exciting and more normal? Now, what has this to do with jealousy? Let me tell you. All you need to do is – replace the words bungee jump, driving or sex with “my partner talking to my rival.”

That’s exciting, you will now feel a guard and you will find that you are now experiencing more adrenaline in your body. As your partner often talks to your rival, you will notice that everything is less exciting and normal. By doing this, you will be able to shift your attentions to the issues.

By exposing yourself to a fearful situation, you will notice that the anxiety decreases and deal with jealousy easier.

The root cause behind jealous people is – every time they are looking for something new to be jealous about. Do not allow yourself to always find something new to be jealous about. Although it can be frightening for jealous people to give their partner freedom and trust, yet it is a very important step in dealing with jealousy.

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If you have a jealous partner, do not limit your partner. Your jealous partner needs to learn how to trust and this only works if you do not support his jealous behavior. If you ever consider not to have contact with someone, do it just because you want to do this and not because your partner demands it from you.

You can help him dealing with jealousy, but eventually, it is all about his/her head where the change must take place.

Besides, all these tips, when dealing with jealousy you can always seek professional assistance. A cheating partner can have a devastating effect on your confidence and your future relationships.

Even seeing that someone is cheating, or hear about it all can leave scars. In some cases, there is no history of cheating, but the thought of a cheating spouse is enough to give you sleepless nights.

Dealing with jealousy can be very difficult without professional guidance. We must also learn to use jealousy in a healthy way – the type of jealousy that you makes your partner feel good, and that shows that you care much about your partner.

Always remember – A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy in invariably a symptom of Neurotic Insecurity. – Robert A. Heinlein