- For a few, it is a matter of days.
- We are dealing with emptiness and not grief.
- The secret is acceptance.
- The truth is - death is immortal.
For a few, it is a matter of few days. And, for me, it is going to be a matter of years. I am never going to forget you.
It all started 15 years ago when I feel in love with a girl and was so deeply attached to her that living a day without her was not acceptable to me at any cost. Not her parents and neither mine was in favor of our relationship. After struggling for nine consecutive years, we decided to go against our families. We were married the couple. I was so happy like; the person whom I loved the most, was right in my arms. But, my happiness only lasted for one and a half years. That ugly day, when my phone rang and I was told about the sudden death of my wife; a person for whom I waited for almost a decade. I was asked to reach the hospital the soonest possible. With very heavy steps and broken state of mind, I was struggling with one thought, “how am I supposed to get over the death of someone I loved the most?”
It took me years to fill the gap; to get over the death of someone I loved the most. I attended many religious seminar and psychiatric session until I finally managed.
We sleep like we die. We wake up like we have come back to life. During sleep the soul is free. Some argue that the soul leaves the body when we sleep. Therefore, we sometimes dream that someone is out there, on the ceiling and watching us.
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We humans are absolute masters of everything that exists on this earth. We can control everything, but not death. The only thing we know about death is – we all have to die one die. Everyone who dies reminds us that we are mortal.
All life we have been told about the power of death; we are told about our mortality. Yet, someone’s death is always a shock. We cannot accept death. We mourn, we howl when someone like our mother, father, sister, brother, or grandparent die. We weep because we know that we will never see that person again, we will not hear after a while we will never forget.
What is Grief
Before we can cure grief, we must understand what is the fundamental definition of grief (in the case of death of a beloved). When someone dies, people only say pretty things about the departed soul. I remember, when my grandfather died, everyone came to me and consoled me with lies; with pretty lies. Everyone was tendering me like a kid, though I was an adult at that time. Inside me, I was feeling like a kid.
Millions of people die every day. Even at this time when you are reading this article, millions of people must be attending last prayers of millions. We don’t cry for those. We don’t feel any pain for those, do we? But, why?
The only reason is – they are not a part of our life. Thus, the fundamental definition of grief in the case of someone’s death – we are not sad about someone’s death, but about the hole that we won’t be able to handle; an empty space in our life that is going to be there because of someone death. Now, this is what we call grief because of the emptiness. And, we are dealing with emptiness and not grief.
The Process - The Psychological Stages We Go Through
When we lose something, whether it’s the death of a loved one, it is separation from a partner, we’re losing money, the house, a dream we shattered a failure hits us and beat us and any misfortune befalls us, there some psychological stages that we go through.
At this stage, we refuse to believe that we are in a calamity. Emotionally we are immune. We say that we are good, there’s no problem, we quickly move over and pretend nothing happened. But, inside we are broken.
If someone comes to console us and say we reject “What are you, are you crazy / D? I’m fine, I have nothing! “This period can last from a few hours to a week or two. Then, we enter the second stage.
We begin to get angry and become aggressive. What happened to me? That’s not correct. Who is guilty, and who must pay for it. We swear, break, or howl. Sometimes we even start hurting the loved ones with tongue and hands. Usually, this stage takes 1-2 days.
Lamenting and Weeping
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This is the realization stage of ours. Only now we realize what we lost. We now start taking to take any such loss as failure. Any significant loss leads to suffering of mind and there is no man, however powerful, to be immune to the suffering soul. The truth is that we often prefer physical pain instead of the mental agony and then we come to the fourth stage.
Depression and Sadness
At this stage, we are drained of energy and all we can do is let ourselves invaded by sadness or depression. In this period we are apathetic, we do not feel like working or having fun. It seems that everything around us is gray. This period can last for a few days and weeks, months or even years. And, then comes the final stage of acceptance.
Signs and symptoms of pain intricate include:
- Obsessive focus on the loss and memories of loved.
- Difficulty accepting death
- Numbness or detachment
- Problems in returning to a normal life
- Withdrawal from social activities
- The feeling that life has no meaning or purpose
- Irritability or stir
- Lack of trust in others
This is the stage where we realize that the past cannot be brought back and we only have two options – either accept the loss and move on with maturity or stuck in a depression, which is pointless.
So, basically we are dealing with emptiness; the empty space. To overcome the death of someone you loved you first need to accept that death is natural and as something that comes as an interruption of life. It’s like falling asleep after many sleepless days. One factor that helps overcome the pain caused by the death of someone dear to us is age.
After a while things will settle down, we get used to the absence of the person who died. Just remember the good times with that person. Another way to overcome suffering caused by the death of their loved one is to work.
The more As much as we need to get involved in activities in any circumstances we must not isolate itself, to close. It would be good to sit and overtime, if needed, and to work to exhaustion, not to have time to think about the dead and how bad we feel.