Dear jenny ! Don’t know where to start from, I am confused, yet convinced. Yes! You were right. It was me, the culprit. I was the reason behind my sufferings. You were damn right when you shouted at me the last time before you broke up – it is your own people who want you to suck throughout your life. They are taking you as a bad omen and like others, they think they will have a better life once you are out of their house.
It’s your own people who made others quit you and who represented you as a helpless person; they are they kindest souls obliging you with everything. Yes! You have told me that I am confusing love with legal rights. You have warned me about the price that I have to pay one day for my one-sided emotions.
But, I never listened and always shouted at you for doubting at my siblings. You were the one who consoled me when my emotions were thrashed and my own people forcibly buried my voice. Everything extra I did for my own people were never in counting; it was my predefined responsibility. But, everything my relatives did to me, was an act of indebtedness.
I still have the last text message of yours – stop expecting from your own people because they have eliminated you from their list a long ago.”
I was standing next to the window and was hearing the drizzle sound made by the raindrops as they were falling on the roof tin. There was a big wall right in front of my window, blocking the street view.
I was looking at the sky and I saw every single drop was of the same size and was falling with the same amount of speed. I managed to catch a few on my hands, a few I saw were adorning flower petals, while there were many falling in the gutter area. I was thinking, nature is so well planned.
For the first time, I noticed a similarity between rain drops and humanity; aren’t we all like rain drops? We all came from the sky, as our holy book says. At the time of birth, we all have the same size, same body features, and a prescribed time (9 months). But, when the time arrives, a few of us are blessed with safe hands, while others directly fall in the gutter area like rain drops.
As a disfigured kid, I was kept behind the curtains. I was never invited to any social gathering because ‘my own people’ were scared of the questions about my disfigurements; or I say, they were having an inferior complex because of me.
I never celebrated my birthday because on my second birthday, I lost my maternal grandmother and since then, my birth date is considered inauspicious. “Your people are using you as a stepney (an extra tire) and trust me, they will bring you in action only when any of the main tires is not available.”
That was so freaking true. But, I realized it very late. How can I forgot the day when I was made to close my business; my only dream institution for which I worked so hard. The day when I was purchasing the furniture for my business, a person so dear to me said, “don’t spend too much on furniture, I have seen people selling it after a few months of start.”
This statement came at the time when I was in the need of something encouraging. I was going through a chest pain ailment and my doctor advised me an immediate surgery. Right before the day of surgery, I was told about the financial loss that my family had faced because of me.
I was so broken that I sold my wedding gold in order to pay my medical expenses.
Even at the hospital bed, I tasted domestic politics. Jenny was not allowed to see me and I was told she is not willing. My ‘own people’ were so busy with their jobs. “They cannot ask for a leave,” I was told. But, after a week, there was a family trip and as usual, me, Jenny and my baby were not invited.
This time, the excuse was my sickness. It was me the only reason behind the consistent humiliation that my wife and I was going through. But, I was still trying to fix things up. My own people were not happy with Jenny’s rebellious attitude. She was not rebellious actually, but she was not comfortable with the double-standard approach; we were made to follow the rituals, whereas those mandatory customs were optional for my other siblings.
The things were already against me and then came the day when I was told to leave my house. I shouted at my sibling’s kid for making noise. Actually, the real offenders were ‘my own people’ who, despite knowing that my daughter was sick, were busy in their own useless chitchat. “Why don’t you put your daughter into a suitcase or box.
There would be no noise then,” was the statement from ‘my own people.’ Jenny reacted this time and it was terrible. And, after a few one-sided arguments – me, my wife and my sick kid were asked to leave the house immediately. We spend a few hours in a society park, and then a friend of mine took us to his place.
Next morning, I leased a flat. I was so broken that my wife’s arguments made us leave the home. Jenny shouted at me, “they don’t want you there. How hard is it to understand?” Since then, the news among my relatives were spread that I had left my house and my siblings with my will.
All my relatives now believe that, “I am a henpecked husband. For the sake of my peace, my decision of leaving my house was not challenged by ‘my own people’.”
I lived 36 years of my life in a trauma and confusion. “Am I so unlucky? Was it my mistake, if I was born with disfigurements? Why was I never allowed to say my heart? Why was nobody interested in my version of the story?
Until today, why ‘my own people’ failed to a saw a mistake in their behavior? Was it so hard for them to understand that their taunts were painful and left lifetime impressions on my soul?” With every day passed, coming out of this quagmire of my thoughts was becoming harder and harder for me.
I was left on my own and ‘my own people’ were not worried at all about me. I was made to live like I never existed at all. ‘My own people’ stopped visiting me. Every time I visited them, a shock was delivered; a secret is revealed about what is happening in my house with ‘my own people’ without me. I was no more a part. “Jenny was so true!” My mental state was deteriorating and one day, I was escorted by a white van.
My baby and jenny was right there, in the balcony; I saw Jenny crying . She was the one who booked this ride for me. I was about to become a history.
“Number 34, please approach reception area. Someone to see you.” Suddenly, the ear-crackling sound of the speakers paused my time machine and I was back to the pavilion; room number 8, Patient number 34, The Community Forensic Mental Health Service.
After walking through a few corridors, I reached reception area. Oh my God! It was Jenny. “How are you?” I felt the pain in her voice; I swear to God, I really did. She continued, “I had applied for your discharge a month ago and today, I am taking you home.” I am sorry for making you wait this long.
Since we separated because of your illness, I struggled a lot; offering your baby the same comforts was not easy at all. And, I was all alone at this time. But, I managed, and, once again, I am sorry for the pain that you have been through all these years. I was discharged and after 4 longs years, I experienced the comfort of sleeping on a comfy bed.
After several hours of sleeping, I woke up. I and jenny were standing on the balcony. It was raining again and this time, there was no big wall and I saw kids playing in the rain; there was no smelly gutter at all and it was happiness all around.
Jenny told me, it’s been forty-eight hours since I was sleeping. My eyes were again searching for something. Jenny looked at me; she asked me to hold her hand and look into her eyes.
“I know what you are looking for, but you must stop expecting your own people because they have eliminated you from their list, a long ago.”