The pain made me gain. My happy soul was back, once again.

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The pain made me gain. Made me what I was earlier, once again
The pain made me gain. Made me what I was earlier, once again
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Sukhdeep Singh

Sukhdeep Singh

Write Something To Right Something

Passionate about playing with words. Sukhdeep is a Post Graduate in Finance. Besides penning down ideas, he is an expert online marketing consultant and a speaker.

After a long time, I had experienced the warmth of early morning. The moment I opened the main gate, the bright sunlight literally dazzled my eyes; made me blind for a few seconds.

I was a known as a happy soul among my mates, but I have completely lost it over last few years. I sensed a drastic change in the atmosphere around. Right in front of my main gate, I saw a lot of wild grass, plants, and thorns blooming like I feed every day. All the window glasses were covered with a strong layer of dust and spider webs. I was still in a state of deep shock; suddenly heard some noise. It was coming from the top floor and I took the stairs to the top; top floor was so full of rat shit and there were more than two rats and dozens of lizards. I managed to open the door to the terrace; the front-side was full of old newspapers and pamphlets. My neighbors were staring at me and that made me feel like I woke up after a long unconsciousness.

It was a long spell of nine months. I gathered the required courage to successfully recollect myself. I stood next to the wash-basin and I witnessed a complete transformation of me. “Is that me? Wow! I almost lost 30 K.G weight and my ball-shape tummy was totally flat now. I had dark circles down my eyes, my hair was gone gray, and I was looking like a starved refugee with seventy percent baldness, a living corpse without happy soul and ugly looking beard and mustache. What the hell! Who is this? I noticed that the wall calendar was still showing the month of February and the date 14; the valentine’s day.

I looked around for my phone and I found it dead like me; the front screen was broken like someone intentionally thrashed it on the wall. There were whiskey bottles all around me and the kitchen sink was full of lipped dishes and defiled, stinking, and rotten food. I prepared a cup of tea for me and grabbed the T.V remote. It was cartoon network on the T.V. 14th November it was the children’s day. But, my kid was not around me. I was missing someone; was actually missing the good morning kiss that my daughter used to give me every morning. Next moment, I was on a roller-coaster ride; a flashback of the last year was in-front of my eyes.

Thinking before acting is wisdom. But, acting before thinking is Regret.

I still remember that ill-fated day when I arrived late at home and like every day, I missed grabbing groceries and chocolate for my little angel. The moment, I reached home my wife asked whether or not I brought the things she sent me a text message about? “I have a lot more other things to do than buying the grocery,” I shouted at my wife. She left the room without saying anything. After a few minutes, my little angel come to, “Papa! Where is my chocolate?” I behaved like she has asked me for a diamond , “Go away! Don’t disturb me. I am tired already. After waiting for a few minutes right next to my bed, my little girl rushed towards her mom. “What’s wrong with me? Why am I behaving like an idiot and that too with my four years old daughter, who knows nothing about relationships, finance, workload, and stress? This time, I was feeling guilty and I wanted to say sorry to my little birdie. But, before it could happen my wife entered the room and I know she was really upset this time.

What’s going on with you? Why are you so rude to us, all the time? Is it only about your job or career all the time? If so, then why you wasted my life. Why did you married me and why you fathered a baby? I know survival is hard, but you are making it rather harder with your this ‘leave-me-alone’ kinda attitude. Even a labor is doing hard-work and even he manages to spend some time with his kids. Even his kids go to school and even he buys candies for his kids and eatable for his family and that too every single day. Why is it becoming so hard for you to manage things and why are you frustrated all the time? Jump out of your well and dare to look around; can you see the happy soul in that worker? I know there is workload, but so is the problem with every single working person out there.” My wife’s voice was getting louder with every single remark she made.

This time, I took it as an attack on my ego and I choose to retaliate. “Yes, I am fed up with you guys. You know nothing about how hard it is to make money. You have no idea of the humiliation I face every day just to keep the things in order. To keep the survival rate balanced, I am killing myself with stress and restlessness. After working so hard, all I am getting – peanuts. One single mistake means all the work in the past is gone. You can’t even imagine the level of agony I am going through. I am the running this house single handed and with one income. To keep the live moving I work ten hours a day and seven days a week with no holiday and no social life at all.” Don’t you think that I need some rest? Don’t you think I am a human too and I have some right of rejecting things?” I rested my case for further arguments.

The worst feeling is regretting not having done something when you had the chance.

“It is okay and I know survival is hard. But, don’t you think you are exaggerating things? Like I said everyone is working, but no one is that busy to overlook his/her own family. I don’t think so that you are getting the point. All I wanted to say is – there is no use of running behind the things that are temporary and barely matters. You can always find another job, but you won’t be able to find your kid’s smile. The harshness you are feeding us with today because your hierarchy of priorities is upside down; let me tell you, right after this evening, you are going to regret. I am leaving this house right now and taking my daughter with me. Should you need her custody, you can always knock the door of the court. Now, I will prove to you that I can up-bring my little world without you and with love. I wish you all the luck for the heights of your career and also, confirm my absence from the rest of your life.” Before I can say anything, she booked a cab and left the house. I was in a ‘fist of anger’ and I preferred not to block her way.

After a few days, I saw the dark clouds of my personal life of my professional life. It’s been a week and she was not here with me. Every night was a night out for me; I used to order meal and drinks. For a few days, it was only about drinks and rest. I was thrown out of my company. I was caught drunk during duty hours. I locked myself to my house. I was completely on savings and I was spending all the savings on debauchery. I used to fight with neighbors and spend a few nights in lockup as well. While I was going through all these, my wife passed a government exam. I got to know from a relative – she is now an income tax officer and my daughter were going to school that I always dreamed of her. But, it was my ego, not letting me call her and apologize. “Why should I call? She was the one who left and she should call me.” A few more months and I were totally disconnected from the outer world.

My only regret is that I couldn’t give you enough reasons to stay.

Then came the night, when I had a dream; 13th November was the date. “Papa! I miss you so much, please come back and I promise, I won’t ask for a chocolate anymore.” I saw my daughter crying and my wife was looking at me with a hope of rejoining. I heard her saying – “though I can up-bring my little angel without you, but I still need you by my side because it’s you who made me realize my worth and I cracked this exam. I am no longer a happy soul without you.” I woke up with a shock like someone broke the hypnotism cast on me. Fourteenth November it was and I once again become the true me. I jumped out of the bed and after nine months, I opened the front door of my house. It was bright sunny day outside.

I was back from the flashback. I finished my tea and I called my psychiatrist, “are you done with my reports?” “It was ready eight months ago, but I haven’t heard anything from you. Anyhow, behind the other chemical reactions the main culprit was – the imbalance between your work and personal life that dragged you to such an ugly hell.” My psychiatrist replied. “I am so happy that you are a happy soul again and you conquered the depression.” Well, before you see me, let me tell you, “it was your wife, who was paying for your medications all the time. She never gave up on you. Don’t thank me. If you owe this life to someone, you owe it your wife; thank her, though you cannot thank her enough.” I groomed me and charged my phone. I rang my wife, “I am sorry! Darling. I am driving to you and please do not disappoint me. Please forgive me and I want you back in my life.” She replied, “bygones are bygones. Please come faster and do not miss to bring chocolate for your little angel.

I was still thinking, who changed whom? Was it me who changed my wife or was it she who changed me? 

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