Case Study – Mia and Abeer (Fictional Names)
I am Mia. I would like to seek your help in my marriage. Here is my version of the trouble I am going through. Honestly, I regret getting married.
“We get married a year ago. We had an arranged marriage; arranged by father’s sister and Abeer’s Maasi (mother’s sister). They are friends from the same town. Well, everything went well. Despite my father’s not-so-good financial status, he tried his level best to make everything the way Abeer asked.
Abeer wais born and brought-up here in Australia, and I saw the bus terminal of my town for the first time when I was coming here. In India, fathers still have the same sense of insecurity about their daughters. Until marriage, we are diamonds to them. And, after marriage, they devalue us; our own family treats us like outsiders. It is still pathetic in some areas.
When I was told about Abeer’s proposal, my first reaction was, “No! I won’t be able to cope up with a guy who knows nothing about India and Indians. It is going to be a moment of complete transformation for me. Why do you want me to surrender my current identity.” I know, I am going to be the one who
But, my parents were not on my side. Without worrying much about my fear, they forced me to marry him; a guy 8 years older to me.”
“Mia, why cannot you do something without my help. Why do you need me all the time? I cannot sit here and teach you things like your mom. For the sake of God, you are in Australia now. Mia! I cannot find my socks. Mia! Don’t you know how to cook pasta? Mia! Look what have you done to the dishwasher? Mia! Why don’t you learn driving? Mia! Why don’t you improve your English?
In the beginning, I used to curse myself. “Abeer is so right. I am the only idiot in this place. Why cannot I do things properly.” But, later I realized, despite my endless efforts to best meet his expectations, I am reaching nowhere. I am really sick of this relationship. Divorce is not an option for me and there is no physical violence involve either. I am not looking for a legal solution, but want an improvement. I don’t know what I am looking for, but sometimes I regret getting married. What to do?
Are you in the same boat?
Well, a lot of people will suggest a legal solution here like seeking help from women’s cell, legal separation, divorce and all. Not everyone can afford a divorce. Moreover, legal formalities can suck you up. How about understanding the problem and solving it from the root.
In this scenario, Mia’s fears about coping up were absolutely right. It is like enrolling a student to an English speaking school from a school where English is not a medium of teaching.
She was right; it is a complete transformation. But, who is to blame? Mia, Abeer, or their parents? Well, practically you can put the blame on all and emotionally on none.
However, the question is – how to rectify the situation.
Dear Mia! transformation is the only feasible and possible solution here. If your husband is supportive and you really want to save your marriage, you need to adopt the culture.
Sticking to your old style of doing things is not going to help you here. Don’t get me wrong when I say complete revamping. It is not about losing your identity, but refurbishing the one you already have.
Take it as a challenge and rebuild yourself. When your husband says you something, stop taking that on your ego. As you want to keep the relationship, I am assuming there is no domestic violence because in that case you need legal help.
So far, I believe it is just a matter of ideology clash. As you mentioned, I can see the difference between your upbringing and Abeer’s and trust me that is going to remain there. I have many examples, where females opted for this transformation and now they are enjoying the best of everything; most importantly, a happy marriage.
Some say kids can bring you closer. But, I must say, you need to hold your plans for the baby until things are better between you two. You do not want to risk your baby. Stress, mental disturbance, and family environment is not only going to affect the prenatal health of your baby, but is going to affect his upbringing as well.
I don’t need to tell you that communication is very important. I must say, “you guys need to talk.” For a healthy and happy relationship, exchanging thoughts, emotions, and expressions is very important.
Before the transformation, you need to know what all kinda transformation your man is expecting. Both of you must be on the same page. It is very hard to please a fastidious personality. So, a clear-cut discussion between you two is very important.